Posted in humour, inspiration, internet, my library, personalgrowth

Judging Over-sharers

Yes we all love to post what is happening, what we saw, what we like and what we thinking online but to what extent should you share? Truth is I try to mind my own business until some pseudos’ go all over on their timeline posting everything. At times they suck at it and I feel like judging them. Luvvie Ajayi author of I’m Judging You however, simplified my judging and here you can categorize thyself. Like always, am no holier so after am done judging you can as well judge back. NB//First sentence to where the full stop ends is Luvvie’s. Rest, I rest my case.

Mundane Over-sharer

They pass every minute details of things that make up their day. You can chart their day and tell where they are, where they will go next etcetera. If I want to kidnap you I can do that all thanks to your so many updates. I don’t want to know where you at, where you frequent visit, what you up-to every single minute. Methinks you still a baby who has to detail their every action to their uptight parent. Please spare me!

Relationship Over-sharer

This will make you think that you aren’t loved. You know their boo, how the relationship saw its start and end, how they made up, how their statuses changed from every choice given, how bae surprised them and all that romance gateway. Methinks they are my soap opera where I keep going like awwwww, oooh no and always keeping tabs for the next action. Let your private life be private.

Everything Sucks Over-sharer

Nothing is ever going well and you really do start to wonder what life has against them. They can actually convert you to a pessimist without you realizing. Kindly stop with the negative, we all want positive vibes ONLY! That is why am always logging in to my accounts for some optimistic side of things. Don’t kill my vibe.

The New Parent Over-sharer

They share every single milestone of their babies since they are new moms/ dads and cannot contain the excitement. Awwww babies are so cute and adorable. They make our hearts melt and steal every glance. However, we like to show off every thingy they do, open accounts for them (it’s good for business as I have come to fathom) but hey let the kids have their moments. They don’t know how trending they are till when old enough and might look back and judge you for it. (What if they don’t make it and look back to how famous they were-am just saying. God forbid). According to my thinking, only cute babies are posted (no baby is ugly actually) but when they turn to some toad hope you shall keep us posted too. For growth’s sake.

The Work Over-sharer

Person who must tell their social media friends every single thing about their workday and their business dealings. Hmmmm some of us work in large companies, make deals every single day, always traveling to represent and we don’t cause mayhem on social media. We don’t let that unemployed fellow outchea feel that life is mean to them. You know why? Because REAL Gs move in silence.

The Bodily Fluids Over-share

They love to talk about the details of their every bodily excretion. If you fart, poop, urinate or defecate whatever shit is coming out of you, we do not want to know about it. Neither do we want to know the process nor the smell.  Keep that between your body and the toilet. PERIOD!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in friendship, humour, inspiration, my library, personalgrowth, reading

Judging Friendship

Friendship is ought to cherish the highs and lows of life in that we become each other’s rides or dies and I can rock Prada suit as I push a Cadillac truck with y’all on the back- you feel me! (Hehe excuse my gangster right there but The Lox banged it back then). However, there are those that bring shenanigans to the table that make me go like how the hell did we end up as buddies. These are the types I’m judging as I came across them well judged by Luvvie Ajayi in her book I’m Judging You-The Do Better Manual

luvvie
http://www.goodreads.com

So, let me unleash the dragon, here I come…. NB//First sentence to where the full stop ends is Luvvie’s. Rest, I rest my case.

  1. The Flake

You live in the same city as them but you only see them once a year because their superpower is that they will find a way to flake out of any and every event. They love making plans but before the D-day they will come up with an excuse as to why they can’t make it. I have an angle of them here who get the heebie-jeebies in coming up with the plan, implement but executing we know them to well.

  1. The Surface

That mysterious friend who we’ve known for years. You don’t know them beyond the surface level because they are guarded with everything. To make the long story long, you do not know what they do, what they up to, where they live. Nada. If you call yourself my pal yet I don’t know a hoot about your lifeline we better nullify the friendship agreement.

  1. The Competitor

Person who feels like their life is in direct competition with others and any win for someone else means they must tramp it. Their prowess is being able to make any good news you have into something about them and you realize they don’t wish you well.  If am conquering deals and getting promos you better be dining and wining the efforts than trying to prove you can do it better to prove my win is no good. STAPH!

  1. The Adventurer

They push us out of our comfort zones by living on the edge and sometimes it gets too much sauce by acting like rock stars but without fame and money. Boo-thang I love your boogie ass but no way am gonna kill myself breaking earthly laws that might land us to major drama. Chill pills please but I gotta envy you though!

  1. The Frenemy

They’ve made it in their job and their life’s vision is to use you or someone else in your group as a verbal punching bag. They throw so much shade you have to use your flashlight app when you’re around them. Yes, you, stop scaring the bejesus outta everyone by using whatever bragging rights you got to make others look meek. Sit down, be humble!

  1. The SOS

In bad times you their BFFs but when in good times you only find out about their lives via social media. Like they only around when they are in need. I know yours truly got a comfy shoulder to lean on that lets you overstay but roger this, am not your dumping ground for life’s problems neither am I a therapist. Carry some benedictions at times.

  1. The Enabler

Friends should tell us tough truths and help correct things we do that aren’t on point. Those that never challenge you and cheer every single thing you do aren’t loyal. Do not be a cheerleader in my life. If my hair style, clothes, make up don’t rhyme don’t let me walk around looking like a scarecrow. Also, when we go shopping can you stop telling me how everything looks good on me. Am not opening a store! Moreover, when I put the lazy armor and all I do is wrong can you do the spot on check right away? Are you done? No. One more thing, what are friends for if we ain’t making future plans like investing and building empires side by side? C’mon!

  1. The Holy Roller

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your spiritual beliefs but some of you take it overboard and make it hard to talk about. When I need a girl chat like how am slithering the city like a snake with guys, to my binge drinking or whatever gossip girls’ talk can you stop sanctifying everything. Do away with the preaching at times. Amen? AMEN!

  1. The Lannister

You feel obligated to remain friends with them because of history. However, you can’t trust them since they have done things in the past to others around you. I feel like these are those that snitch to cause mayhem, sleep around with your friends lovers, back stab you when you aren’t around, keep on apologizing but for who? I will let you thrive since they say keep your friends close and friends closer.

 

 

Posted in African literature, book review, humour, my library, personalgrowth, reading

We need New Names

“Look at them leaving in droves, the children of the land, just look at them leaving in droves. Those with nothing are crossing borders. Those with strength are crossing borders. Those with ambitions are crossing borders. Those with hopes are crossing borders. Those with loss are crossing borders.  Those in pain are crossing borders…”

The characters, the names oooh my . Who comes up with such names? Bastard (naughtiest of all), Sbho, Stina, Godknows (always asking ques), Chipo (if you in my country this is fries/ female got laid and in the book she got laid by her grandfather?!), Mother of Love, Mother of Bones, Prophet Revelations Bitchington Mborro, Bonfree…man i could go on with the names but someone take me back. Take me back yas-yass-yaaasss. I think i need to see more creativity of names in the books i read next. Any who, Darling the main chic used to live a normal life where food, clothes, luxuries were not an issue until all that went away and her family relocated to the shacks. Her father ran to South Africa since tough economic times in Zimbabwe needed one to man up only for him to come back with AIDS! Life at the tins was not bad at all as tree climbing and stealing of guavas survived her and her pals. The gifts they got from the NGO peeps made them even more happier. And then all that changed for cabbage ears as her aunt took her in, in America and adjusting was not easy but she managed although missed her home terribly.
What happened on the last chapter of the book is that i lost concentration dance. I got bored by the ending (a jealous Chipo blaming D from running away from home, D reminiscing or did i miss something in between?) and just winded it for the sake of winding it. However, what captivated me the most is that Bulawayo deviated from the norm. The norm where authors come up with sweet names, the ideology where one leaves for the States and all this racism occurs;didn’t dwell on that just a sneak peak. The belief that living in shacks is hell nope-gif but the life these buddies had i would die for-Paradise is where the fun is. The humor, way of expression i mean you have to read it to know what am talking about. But all this misery boiled down to: poor governance, inflation, dictatorship, corruption, colonialism and a cry for change.

“……they flee their own wretched land so their hunger may be pacified in foreign lands, their tears wiped away in strange lands, the wounds of their despair bandaged in faraway lands, their blistered prayers muttered in the darkness of queer lands…”

Posted in challenge, communication, economy, energy, finance, humour, Lifestyle

Ask Wanjiku

via Daily Prompt: Survive

Wanjiku is knocking….

Pardon me but Wanjiku is the suitable name they came up with when they wanted to refer to the common Mwananchi (i). The mastermind behind the coining is not known but who cares Wanjiku reigns! Inflation has been pinching and emptying my pockets at the same time in the name of living. Unfortunately, it decided to pick up during the cold weather when everyone complains of this or that.

My love for food as you already know though never showcases itself in the outer being usually gets higher in the cold season. Reproduction was my favorite biology segment so am not going to dwell on the metabolism part since am no teacher. Anyway, it is during this season that my worst meal that I loath to cook, Ugali (ii), becomes the wanted. It just satisfies the belly and makes you warmer in case there are no shoulders to rub you throughout. Problem is I hate buying the various maize flour brands that make one shift to a cock, hostess and kick off the market at the same time as they never cook to the desired taste no matter the amount of heat and time geared upon. Am the posho mill fanatic that awaits the maize harvesting season and grinds maize to flour making it a win-win game as i get “makore (iii).”This is actually the best Ugali more so when cooked using a jiko (iv) and not gas (how many times will i tell people this? My Western peeps enlighten this ones) and makes me go gugugaga. Drought has made this nearly impossible since no harvest was made and now the Ksh190 packet of flour is skyrocketing screaming “stick to your chapatis. (v)”

Funny enough the government subsidized the prices after a ship docked the country with tons of maize causing controversies as some said it was from Mexico and the rest from South Africa. Talk of another unresolved scandal! The prices came down to Ksh90 for a packet of maize flour and one could say the world was coming to an end as shoppers flocked their favorite outlets for purchases.

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The GOK Ksh90 subsidy pack

But you couldn’t keep the entire stock to yourself as managers warned shoppers with the “do not pick more than 2 packets” notice. Then the flour went out of stock and we back to square one. Sigh.

Morning breakfasts got better with my usual traditional meals of sweet potatoes and arrow-roots not deleting my brown bread  till I upgraded to cornflakes and Weetabix’s that needed milk.

IMG_20170526_112652
testing my middle middle class upgrade

This crossover was me testing the middle middle class if such a thing exists since it is not just the elite who take this stuff. At first I was disappointed by the number of flakes in a pack yet expensive for who? Milk was not an issue since the Ksh25 small pack or the Ksh30 ‘straight outta cow’ from my regular mama kiosk was always trickling in. I was getting accustomed to strong tea (water mixed with tea leaves) and my fake cocoa that was made of hot water and cocoa as I started my hustling journey till I also upgraded to milk drinks. Then the worst happened. Milk also hit the roof! Now I think I should just sit down and be humble as I trace my humble beginnings that never were a bother. Goodbye cereals, hello…..

I almost went berserk when my mum told me the monthly electricity bill was Ksh 3,000. I mean since I have lived in that house we have never paid such a hefty bill. This was a first. She lamented how the KPLC providers never come to do their readings and end up with estimates. So keen to confirm that indeed it was true, I went to my Facebook where I love hitting inboxes of companies that I got issues with. I read the current meter bill , gave them the account number and voilà we were chatting till they confirmed the dreaded. My mum started blaming us on how our gadgets were consuming electricity, how we would boil water using the jiko blah blah and all I could say was ” we rarely here.” Last month the KPLC guy just came in time when I was around but not to do his meter reading but cut us off! Yes we had neither received the bill nor the famous SMS.  Luckily, the entire neighborhood was going to get the cut since no one had received their bills. For the first time in history, I the never no bribe lady did it. There was no way my vacay would be ruined by electricity and who was going to pay the reconnection fee? Me? No. That settled I inquired why the high cost and not that we owned a factory in the house! Drought, no water he assured me. Then as if to test my patience he added that the next bill would also be high!Lucky are the tokens in the urban areas that all signal red as if danger awaits an entire building.

Yes I hate sugar. In fact I joined the Granny’s club way back as I enjoy sipping my tea sugar free. The hike in sugar is not affecting me at all that is the ONLY thing am at peace with and y’all freaking over it should join my club.

All this hullabaloo brought in the external factors debate. We blamed drought, the government that others decided to take the situation as their campaign mantra but did we really blame ourselves? No since no one wants to accept reality. Truth is our sugar is the most expensive in the world yet we got sugar companies that go under now and then. Can’t these people make sugar cheap for us? We continue to depend on rain fed agriculture no matter how many times the weather man warns us. Year in year out, drought happens at the same time, same months but do we really learn? No, we wait for drought to kick in, wait for relief food, wait for media expose then come up with a campaign to help drought affected populations. Then the cycle continues. We see big chinks of uncultivated lands as we tour the country that have turned into forests. This are not bushes but fertile lands belonging to some inhuman humans who would rather see a forest than food. We run to the city leaving our lands to be cultivated by God knows who. Then we rant hunger yet your land that could have helped gap this food insecurity is barely clothed. We see how desert countries like Dubai are food secure but we would rather exploit their aquarium malls and desert rides rather than imitate them.

The rains are here but how prepared are we? Shall the hashtag #WanjikuDecides be the trending topic come 2months time? Wanjiku has cried, cursed and lost it. Jumping into the Wanjiku bandwagon is not me. Am a survivor, I will survive this turmoil.

(i)Citizen

(ii)Dish made of maize flour

(iii)Chicken feed made out of maize cobs

(iv)Type of stove that uses charcoal

(v)Unleavened flatbread made of wheat flour. Roti/roshi

Posted in humour, sentiments

Emotional Eva

Lately I have realised am becoming too emotional. I don’t know where that came from since yours truly is one hardcore bitch! Whenever am watching a movie/series and there is that cry, hurt moment I always have this balancing tears leave alone reading a book or listening to some shenanigans.

Funny enough I find myself craving for ice cream or chocolates😂😂 things I detest. For starters, I hate sugar. Secondly, I like my chocolate in cakes or hot cocoa drink. Plus this thing has its way of fuelling one’s crimson wave during the month like some hurricane. As for ice cream, if there is one part I love in my body apart from my tummy are my teeth. I can’t stand the icy sensitivity on my black filled molars. Then that mucho feeling with bae ever happens then we shall scoop each others cream and spoil ourselves silly. Talking of spoiling, the other thing I intend to use ice cream for is leg over.

Maybe your lady is maturing to a human where feelings need to be felt but damn I got to put my shit together. Back then nothing stood in my way, staying put and been in the mandem was me. More so, I used to laugh at the emotional wondering why they could never put their act hand in hand. Look at me having a dose of my own medicine and been all miss mouse so meek and mild.

Some will say it’s a phase, to others I needed to fit in their shoes and the rest will claim am in a situation ship with a guy. Am I? (Psss…Eva are you falling in love?) Back to my animations, comedy, action and lil drama to juice my life. Ooh not forgetting my CNN and hip hop music. Those am sure never made me get teary.